How many different types of Christian does it take to change a lightbulb?
• Charismatics: Just one … Our hands are already in the air.
• Pentecostals: 10 … One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
• Presbyterians: None … The lights will go on and off at predestined times.
• Roman Catholics: None … We use candles only.
• Baptists: At least 15 … One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
• Episcopalians: Three … One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.
• Mormons: Five … One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
• Unitarian Universalists: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
• Methodists: Undetermined … Whether your light bulb is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring a bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
• Nazarene: Six … One woman to replace the bulb while five men review the church lighting policy.
• Lutherans: None … We don’t believe in change.
• Amish: What’s a light bulb?
The Rabbi and The Priest Compare jobs
A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The Rabbi responds, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”
The Priest then asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the Rabbi replies, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork.”
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The Priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The Rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The Priest replied, “Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”
The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, “A lot better than pork isn’t it?”
The Angel Gabriel and the Prophet Mohammed
The angel Gabriel comes down to earth in modern Saudi and lands at the grave of the prophet Mohammed.
‘Mo, Mo’ he shouted at the grave.
‘Mo, Mo, wake up you idle bastard’
Mohammed woke up shook off the soil from his grave and faced Gabriel
Gabriel said to Mohammed. ‘Look Mo, I made a terrible error when I helped you put together your Koran thing’
‘What error? Said Mohammed.
‘Well, when I said that the Shaheeds would get 72 virgins in paradise as a reward for martyrdom, I made a mistake in what I said’
‘What mistake?’ said Mohammed
Gabriel said: “ It should have said ONE 72 year old virgin. I hope I haven’t caused you any problems’
Well, it is going to cause a few issues but I’m sure it will all be sorted out, inshallah.’ said Mohammed
‘Oh thanks’ Gabriel added sheepishly: ‘There was one other error I’ve got to put my hands up to as well. You are really NOT going to like this, it’s a biggie’
‘Why’ asked Mohammed
‘Well I was going to tell you about healthy eating and about fruit and stuff’ Said Gabriel ‘you know the sort of things that you need to know when on a long journey going to battle after all you don’t want to get scurvy’
‘So, you left out a lecture on the importance of the ‘five a day’, no harm done. And about the virgin thing, I understand, anyone can make a mistake’ Said Mohammed
Well’, said Gabriel ‘I had a bad night before on the wine with that Noah geezer and that bit in the Koran about ‘keep killing the Jews’, it should have said ‘keep drinking your juice’.
It’s not all about Islam
People sometimes say that I spend all my time bashing Islam. I take offence at that. My next post is to be entitled ‘Buddah is a big fat bastard’
Sources of Jokes where the source has not been lost in the ether.