Once upon a time, in a land called Belgium, there was a wicked queen of Brussels called Queen Leona. She had a stepson called Nick and she was very jealous of him. She plotted and planned to get Nick out of the way so that Queen Leona could spend more time with her pile of taxpayer cash. One day Queen Leona had a bright idea. ‘I know’ she said ‘I’ll send him back to Britain on a special mission.’ Later that day, it was time for Nick’s weekly audience with Queen Leona.

In the audience chamber of the Palace of Meshugana, Nick bowed down to his Queen. When he had finished licking her size 13 boots, he got up and the Queen addressed him. ‘I have a job for you Nick, a very important job.’ Nick felt flushed with pride that his hard work licking Queen Leona’s boots was going to be rewarded. The Queen said: ‘You are to go to London and join the Liberal Democrats and turn them into a reviled bunch of political charlatans.’ The Queen continued: ‘…and you shall associate yourself with dodgy characters such as Fiyaz Mughal just to give the Lib Dems that extra bit of untrustworthiness and sleaze.’

Nick smiled broadly at the thought he was going to be trusted to make a complete fuck up of the Liberal Democrat party, but his fantasies of leading the Lib Dems to all-encompassing failure were broken by Queen Leona standing up and kicking him in the head with her lovingly licked boots. Before he left the audience chamber, Queen Leona called after him: ‘From now on you shall be known by a code name, and that name shall be ‘Not so Snow White Nick.’

So Nick Clegg travelled from Brussels to London, armed with nothing but a huge sack of taxpayers’ cash and joined the Lib Dems. All went well for a while and failure after failure occurred whenever Nick helped out. People were amazed at Nick’s reverse Midas touch and said: ‘One day this man will completely fuck up the Lib Dems, he’s got that special nothing that only a few people have’.

One day Nick took a day off from fucking up the Lib Dems and went for a walk in the dark and scary and rather smelly forest near London called Oaten Wood. Oaten Wood was a very frightening place, and between the trees he could glimpse views of horrendous political sex scandals which terrified him, so he closed his eyes and trudged on. He ignored the groping peer to his left and the masturbating MP to his right and continued on his journey, convinced that sooner or later he would find his way out of Oaten Wood. Eventually he came to a little run-down shack in a forest clearing. The home looked very poor, and the magic socialist money tree in the front garden had all but died.

It was getting dark and Nick was getting more and more scared. He didn’t want to go back and have to confront all the nasty political sex scandals that lurked in Oaten Wood, so he tentatively knocked on the door of the shack.

The door was opened by a Dwarf and as his eyes got used to the dim light in the shack, Nick saw 6 more Dwarves.

Nick stepped into the hovel and the Dwarves lined up in front of him and introduced themselves and their names were:

Gropey

Wanky

Pervy

Touchy

Sex-pest

Noncy

and Coprophile

One of the Dwarves said that although there were 7 of them they used to be 8 but their friend Badger Buggerer went missing 6 months previously.

After they had said their names, and explained about their missing member, the Dwarves cried out in unison: ‘We are the Lib Dem Dwarves’. Nick blanched and realised that where he was probably in the worst place in Oaten Wood, the Parliamentary section.

The true horror of Nick’s predicament slowly started to dawn on him. Here were the ones who would really fuck up the Lib Dems. All Nick’s work and effort had come to nothing. He now couldn’t go back to Queen Leona in Brussels and say that he had fucked up the Lib Dems as he had been told to do. The MP’s, Peers, Councillors and staff of the Lib Dems had fucked the party up all by themselves. There was nothing else to do but to watch as other people meted out the chaos that Nick thought would be his to create. Nick had failed to even fail correctly and the Lib Dem Dwarves were fucking up the Lib Dems for him.

Nick knew that he couldn’t face the wrath of Queen Leona once she found out that the Lib Dems had fucked up the party all by themselves and none of the political disaster would be down to him. He realised that for the rest of his life he would be trapped in Oaten Wood, with a bunch of sexually deviant Dwarves and nothing but a 6-figure EU pension to sustain him.

It looks as if this fairy tale will not have a happy ending for the Liberal Democrat party.