A good example of a specimen of a mad, sad, useless Islamic bastard, Man Haron Monis, the now thankfully dead, perpetrator of the Sydney Siege.

Note to the Metropolitan Police, ‘Thames House’ and GCHQ etc. Please be aware that this article is satire and piss-taking and anybody who takes it seriously really should consider seeing a psychiatrist, or even acquiring a sense of humour.

Are you a waste of skin and organs, a sad, hopeless bastard who is catastrophically mentally ill, then Islam could help you become a dead, sad, and mad hopeless bastard.

Have you served time in prison for stabbing another street gang member? Have you a deluded and inflated sense of self worth despite being underqualified to collect trollies in Tesco? Didn’t bother studying at school? Involved in ‘street culture’? Heavily medicated? Brought up on a housing estate where nobody knew who their fathers were? Feel that you’ve failed in life? Considering suicide? If so, don’t bother calling the Samaritans, become a Muslim nutter, and leave civilisation and your skanky no-account life, behind.

If your life is a tragic failure made up of drugs, violence, family breakdown, sexual crime and a strange hankering after having a long beard and talking crap, then Islam may be your way to oblivion. You too could become a jihadi and have your life ended in a hail of police bullets, or even by being beaten to death by an angry mob. All this can be achieved by a few simple steps.

First thing you have to do is say the Shahada, the declaration of Islamic faith, in front of witnesses.

Then read the Koran, paying special attention to the violent bits, don’t worry about not being able to find the violent bits, there are plenty of them so you won’t miss them. If you are illiterate then don’t panic, there is sure to be someone around who will point out the violent bits and read them to you. Most of the Islamic world appears to be illiterate so you will not be alone.

Thirdly let it be known that you think that a mentally ill pervert from the 7^th century is the premier example of a perfect man.

Fourthly, purchase sword, threaten a random stranger, grab a hostage and wave sword at police whilst shouting ‘I’ve got a gun as well, Allah hu akbar’. If you are lucky then the police will take no chances and shoot you on the spot, thereby removing you from your sorry and worthless existence, and saving the taxpayer some money as well. However if the police are too wimpy or politically correct to deal with you properly, then angry citizens will probably be happy to beat you to death with whatever comes to hand.

Your removal from the life that torments you is now complete, and the rest of us are rid of yet another worthless tosser.

Islam seems to be the religion of choice for the violently mentally ill, and that says a lot for the ideology of Islam itself. It’s an ideology created by a madman and which uses madmen to sustain it.